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+Stop. A file called "LICENSE" cannot be worth any of your heartbeats.
+You do not need to read any further. At least I wish no one had to.
+Take what you need and go on with your life.
+
+If you are still reading, as far as I can imagine, there are two things
+you might be thinking right now:
+
+1. "Ugh, another crayon license. What's *this* moron's excuse anyway?"
+2. "Ooh, another crayon license! I like those, they're usually funny."
+
+I will try my best to entertain the second group, though I will spend
+a few words attempting to appeal to the first one.
+
+I honestly cannot bring myself to use any of the serious licenses out
+there. I find that even the most permissive licenses contain clauses I
+cannot imagine myself imposing on others, such as asking them to "retain
+a copyright notice, a list of conditions, and a disclaimer" for any
+snippet of code they may want to extract.
+
+That leaves joke licenses such as WTFPL, DBAD, Nietzsche and GIYOL,
+which as far as I understand are not worth squat in the situations where
+licenses actually become relevant. So if I am going to carry around a
+dysfunctional LICENSE file, I figure I might as well write it myself.
+
+Let me then attempt to define the conditions under which you may use
+and/or redistribute those things I wrote (hereinafter referred to as
+THIS STUFF), so that we do not step on each other's toes.
+
+TL;DR:
+
+1. If any part of THIS STUFF can help you, use it as you see fit.
+2. Do not hold me liable for any problem you get with THIS STUFF.
+
+
+Before expanding on these points, allow me to sidetrack for a moment.
+
+THIS STUFF is but a collection of characters spread across a few files,
+which happen to compile, run, and on their good days, pass the dubious
+tests some questionably lucid schmuck wrote. Fundamentally, there is
+nothing more to it.
+
+I have fond memories of our first dog. He was roughly the same age as I
+was; I would have been 10 or 11 when he died. His last year was
+punctuated with severe seizures: these episodes would always leave me
+feeling powerless before, at best, our inexorable death, at worst, the
+slow decline of our physical and mental health, until we become little
+more than a pathetic load on the well-meaning souls who strive to keep
+us alive.
+
+
+Back to the license:
+
+
+1. If any part of THIS STUFF can help you, use it as you see fit.
+
+I cannot prevent my own decrepitude, let alone others'. What I believe
+I can do, however, is give you complete freedom over what to do with
+THIS STUFF.
+
+I am not a lawyer, so there is little hope that I can figure out the
+correct wording for what I want to convey, without leaving loopholes
+here and there. I shall still try to express some of the things I mean
+by "use it as you see fit":
+
+- "it" refers to "any part of THIS STUFF". If some arbitrary chunk of
+ THIS STUFF may be useful to you, but you cannot be bothered with
+ dragging all the cruft along, by all means, just extract that chunk
+ and go on with your life. Specifically, do not search the files for
+ copyright or permission notices to "retain": there are none.
+
+ The thought of somebody having to copy-paste my name into their
+ project simply because they found an interesting one-liner in my code
+ feels profoundly wrong.
+
+- Kids these days, with their edgy "see if I care" licenses, am I right?
+
+ The thing is, I do care! Sort of. Not that much, I guess? I mean at
+ least a bit. Which is the point of the "as you see fit" part: if you
+ care more than I do, I expressly grant you the right to take any part
+ of THIS STUFF and re-license it with a proper license.
+
+
+2. Do not hold me liable for any problem you get with THIS STUFF.
+
+I know my code. I remember the sight of a dog under seizure. I can
+tell you that my dog could have written THIS STUFF while rolling over a
+keyboard during one of his episodes.
+
+I am providing THIS STUFF as-is and cannot claim any warranty
+whatsoever, especially not of merchantability or fitness for a
+particular purpose. I will not be held responsible for any damage THIS
+STUFF may cause.
+
+If you want to play with the shit that came out of some aging epileptic
+dog on Prozac, you are on your own.